Rant 1

I’m sick of writing words that are meaningless. So maybe this is something else. I think it is at least. Maybe I’m just kidding myself. It wouldn’t be the first time. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I wake and I feel ready. Ready to disappear off the face of the planet. And I really wish I could sometimes. Other times, I’m so happy and hyper that I feel dizzy. It feels like I’m buzzing around in circles and the world is violent shades of pink, blue and yellow. The sun is glaring and I laugh. I speak at 200 mile an hour and my body won’t sit still. In the space of 2 minutes it changes. The colours dull and all I’m left with are washed out shades of grey. Everything slows. I feel limp. My world is dark and my mood even darker. I speak in riddles and sentences no one understands. My mind tortures me and I want it to stop. I need it to stop. But on and on it goes. I wish I could bleed it out. I want to bleed it, cut it out. But I can’t let myself. When the redness shows, the questions begin. And I can’t quite handle them. That or I just don’t want to.
So I hide. I’m burying myself inside my head. The black hole that I’ve dug for myself is never ending. What was once a shallow grave is now a bottomless pit. Lightless, darkles, it is nothingness. I can’t climb out and I can’t reach the bottom.
Then I’m raving. I breathe in synthesisers and flashing lasers. Breathless. Spinning around and around. The world is singing and I’m dancing. I’m so alive, I’m so awake.
And I’m black. Dying a slow painful death. I’m cold and alone. Someone please save me. Help me escape. Let me live! I scratch and scrape the nothingness until my fingers bleed. I’m screaming in agony as the memories attack on by one. They’re killing me. Will something please kill me!
Dance dance.
Die die.
Dance or die? Die or dance?
How do I choose? How to choose. Which way do I fall. Up? Down? Backward? Forward? Or should I just slump to the side and let go? There are so many questions and no answers for them. I’m sinking now. I’m back from the buzz. I’m sinking and falling. Only I can’t feel it. I’m too busy trying not to let it show