Rant 2

I withdraw. I’m stuck in here again. I’m the only one who cares. I’m the only one who understands. My mind is a cancerous hole. I wish I didn’t exist, I wish I wasn’t putting myself and the people around me through this.
I hate the way I am. I hate my life. I hate the way these 19 years have panned out. I dread to think what future holds for me. I don’t want to wait for my mind to destroy my body. This stupid disease is running and ruining my life. I don’t have anyone left. There’s no one I can turn to for support, for guidance, just to be there. I don’t have friends, I have people I know, people that I can talk to about everyday things with. I don’t have family, I have people who worry about me. I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a full-time carer who isn’t ready for the shit that I can put him through and it terrifies him.
This train wreck life is slowly killing me. I can feel it in my bones. The world disgusts me, and I make myself feel sick with the misery of breathing. I just want to be free of this. I want to be able to open my eyes in the morning and be content with the fact that I’m alive. Instead, I’m this monster. Carbamazepine runs through my veins in place of blood.
These car crash moods are disturbing. I miss my highs. I’m stuck with the fucking lows. Bella is back. She screams at me. Over the top of everything, I hear her loudest “FUCKING DO IT!” over and over again. Free me. All I want is to be free of this. For the first time in my life, I want to be just like everyone else.