Rant 3

I hate being alive. I need to talk this through with someone, but I never can. As soon as the words come to my mouth, a few slide over my tongue and out over my lips and then the tears start rolling from my eyes and the words disappear.
I need someone, ANYONE to know how frustrating this is. I’m longing for death, for peace, and yet I carry on everyday with the feeble hope that tomorrow I’ll be better. I KNOW I WON’T. I don’t know why I’m lying to myself and I wish everyone would stop lying to me.
For fucksake, someone care enough to listen. Listen when I try to talk. I know I’m a pathetic mess, but please, someone care about what’s happening to me.
I sit by myself for hours. HOURS. Going over and over it in my head. The pros and cons of living. I have more cons than pros. Give me a reason to live and don’t just say “do it for me” that doesn’t work and it’s not exactly fair is it.
Do you know how many times I’ve tried to kill myself? The first time I was thirteen. I swallowed a whole blisterpack of paracetamol. I’ve lost count since then. There’s been overdoses and slashed wrists for as long as I can remember. With each time, I’ve lost more light and now it’s just darkness that consumes me. I can hardly feel anything except this dark despair, a constant sinking feeling and permanent thought in my head “when will I finally die?”
I just want peace. I’m tired of fighting. It’s easy for you to say that it’ll be better tomorrow, to keep going, “chin up kiddo, you’ll be fine.” It’s so easy for you to say that, but do you even think about how hard this is for me. I’m constantly fucking fighting this thing. My only weapon is the stupid fucking drugs I force down my throat morning and night. Empty fucking pills that do nothing except help all of you think that it’s getting better. IT’S NOT. I’M NOT. I’M STUCK IN THIS STUPID FUCKING MIN 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK. I’M NOT WINNING THIS WAR.
SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME! I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN
And don’t you fucking dare say that you’re all here for me. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU THEN?
This is far too much for one person. I’m one stupid little girl who’s had to grow up too fast. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? How the fuck am I supposed to survive?