Rant 4

I don’t know where my life is heading. The injuries I’ve sustained from this train wreck life are slowly killing me. My thoughts are cancerous. The virus of life is spreading through me. Shutting off all things that have made life easier until all I’m left with is the sinking in my heart, the pain in my lungs and the torture in my mind. And I can’t handle it.
I’m one stupid little girl. This is too much for me to deal with. I can’t control anything in my life. Anything at all. Not when I eat, when I sleep, what I do, how I think and feel. None of it. This stupid fucking disease is controlling my every move. I can’t eat, my body cries out for food and yet I can’t put it in my mouth. Sleep come and goes. I sleep when my body lets me, not when I need to. My thoughts and feelings are a separate being, they aren’t part of me. They’re not mine.
I’m not sure how much longer I can go. I’m not sure if I can survive this. I’m trying to keep myself safe. I’m failing miserably. I’m positively yearning to die. It’s my dearest, deepest, darkest wish. It’s within my grasp and yet, I’m scared to touch it, hold it, embrace it with both arms wide and a smile on my face. Scared in case I fail again and have to live another minute.
Breathing is the hardest thing I do. And it’s getting harder by the minute. I’m holding on too tight when all I really want to do is let go and fall in to nothing.